


A bedful of words

by firecrackerx



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 17:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2629862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firecrackerx/pseuds/firecrackerx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry and LaFontaine deal with brain parasites and uncertain futures. Set after episode thirty of the webseries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A bedful of words

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to wolf-of-fenric for offering to beta this!

_How is it going?_

Perry looked at the message in the screen of her ancient cellphone. She still had Laura's number registered under her first name, last name and room number, as she did for all floor residents. She would have to change it at some point to something more informal, she thought, sending back a quick answer she did not want to think too much about: 

_Happening too fast. Body not handling it well._

She looked at LaFontaine sitting at the desk, clutching one of their science books with both hands. They had been babbling about parasites and things Perry was unable to understand at short intervals. It was painful watching them trying to hold on to the fleeting moments of clarity that kept getting shorter. Perry pressed cold towels against their burning forehead as they tried to keep reading and taking notes, breathing heavily, until their shoulders relaxed and their eyes seemed to drift around the room, unfocused, and Perry knew LaFontaine had lost their grasp on reality again. Then it was dancing, kissing and begging for sweets until the next instant of lucidity struck. Sometimes the change would come so violently that both states merged together, colliding in an instant of confusion:

"The parasites, Perr. I need to learn more..." they had said clinging to the front of Perry's shirt from their chair, "I have to do this... don't let me leave the room, please... but I want to go, I want to leave, I need to go right now... I really, really..."

Their head had started moving to one side and the other, like it was too heavy. Perry held their face between her hands, helping them keep still and waiting for it to pass. She stole a look towards the closet, lingering there for just a second. LaFontaine gave her a smile:

"I really feel like dancing right now," they said, hands still clutching the front of Perry's shirt.

"I know, honey."

"Let's go find somewhere fun."

"We can have music here," she said, although it wouldn't be for too long. The quiet hours of the dorm were approaching fast and she had no idea how she would deny LaFontaine the dancing after that. "Let's stay and dance, just the two of us, together. You can pick the music, alright?"

"Yeah, okay." 

LaFontaine pulled her down into a kiss and Perry didn't stop them. In the last hours she had discovered how much had their relationship depended on her compliance, on her rules and her limits. The more time LaFontaine spent in their vacant state, the less they stopped to think before talking, before acting. Perry was used to gentle touches that hinted at incoming kisses, affectionate approaches she could almost predict, born from her need to always be in control. Since that morning she had been pulled into tight embraces and lazy kisses, there had been hands under her shirt caressing her back without warning, lips on her neck while they danced, wide smiles that faded into hungry looks.

"Music?" said Perry when LaFontaine let her go, breathless.

"I want something sweet. Why did you leave the brownies in Laura's room?"

"I can make more right now. You dance, I make some brownies."

"Can you do that thing you do and make them super fast? Dancing alone is not as fun..."

"Just turn on the music, you goofball. I'll be with you in a moment."

A long moment, she thought while loud music filled the room. She needed some time to let her mind calm down. Baking would help. She would try to keep her mind a blank, peaceful space, only for as long as the baking lasted. She would go right back to LaFontaine, but she needed a few minutes to pull herself together. LaFontaine was losing it. It was still LaFontaine, but the weight LaFontaine's life meant in hers, the weight that balanced Perry's own, was fluctuating under her hands and she could feel it. The perfect mechanism they had always been was crumbling down. It made her chest hurt with the familiar sting of anxiety. We will find a different balance, she thought looking for some flour furiously. We will find a different way to balance each other, like we've always done. Things change, we adjust. We change to stay the same. 

She had just planted the flour by the sink when LaFontaine's body slammed hers against the narrow kitchen counter. She felt their body press against her back, face nuzzling her neck:

"I got you."

"I can't do any baking like this, you know..." she tried to tell them. Her voice cracked with sorrow, with desire, and with the weight of it all. 

"I don't care... you smell so good..." they muttered. Perry balled her fists over the counter, taking a deep breath. Her blood was singing. 

"So was this your plan all along?" 

"No, I really want brownies... but I want you too..."

"We can do both. Let's finish this and have the music on until we are allowed, and then, during night hours, we can go to bed and..."

"No, fuck that," they said, pulling Perry's hips back against theirs slowly. "I am tired of being quiet and silent and careful. I want to have fun and celebrate. I want to celebrate you. Let's do it now," they growled by her ear. "Let's make the damn bed groan."

"I don't think that's a good idea" she managed to say, eyes closed against the rain of kisses on her neck. LaFontaine stopped:

"You don't want to?"

She wanted to. She wanted to celebrate them, too. She wanted the rain of kisses and making the damn bed groan. And she wanted the fear to stop festering in her insides, whispering that this could be the last time she felt LaFontaine's hands on her waist. She wanted nothing more than turning around and letting them do as they pleased, forgetting the situation, grabbing all the love she could, while she could, with both hands, selfishly. But she couldn't. So many things could go wrong if she let her guard down. At this rate, LaFontaine would soon be fighting her to leave the room. She glanced towards the closet again, uneasily. Would she be fast enough, if things went out of control? 

She needed to focus. Protect LaFontaine. Don't let me leave the room, they had begged her. And Perry would do everything in her hands to keep LaFontaine by her side.

 

Keeping LaFontaine distracted from both going outside and 'celebrating Perry' took more skills and tricks than she had ever suspected herself capable of. Getting them in bed for the night was a whole negotiation that involved the promise of an arranged number of kisses, cupcakes and a _Mythbusters_ marathon. Perry promised every single item on the list and wished fervently that she'd be able to deliver them all in the future, trying to keep her voice calm and relaxed while her throat twisted itself into a knot.

Thankfully, LaFontaine fell asleep as soon as their head touched the pillow. Perry sighed and looked at the pale face with a new rush of fear and love flooding her chest. Silently, she walked around the room. She cleaned, ordered and distributed until everything was neatly organized and looked familiar and reassuring under the soft light of the little lamp on the nightstand. She undressed and got into bed, turning the lights off.

"I wanted to go to the dance with you."

Perry turned on the bed to look at LaFontaine. Their voice was low and focused, tired. She could almost feel the balance between them getting restored as she recognized the steady voice she knew so well, the one that had been getting muddled through the afternoon:

"The dance?"

"The end of midterm dance. And, you know... every other dance."

"My love..." the words sprung out of her, unfamiliar, as she moved to touch LaFontaine's arm. They looked at each other, struck in a moment of perfect wonder. Had she really kept those two words away from LaFontaine for so long out of fear? They felt so sharp and pure between them, almost taking space on the bed with them, somewhere in the darkness.

"Yes?" asked LaFontaine finally.

"Do you want your books? I'll get them for you," she whispered running her fingers through their hair. Every word she said sounded different, but vibrated in her mouth in the same way: my love, my love, my love. 

"No. I don't know how long am I going to be able to..." LaFontaine swallowed. "And I don't know if I'll be able to control myself again like this. Just stay with me, please."

"You'll do it again. Laura and Carmilla will find a way to get you out of this and I'll keep you in the room for as long as it takes them to do it," she said. Yes, their balance was back. She felt again like one half of a whole. And through the time that bound them together she could feel LaFontaine was as scared as she was. Of leaving and not coming back. Of the hungry light and the things inside their head. 

"I know they will find a way," they lied. They lied and Perry held their hand tight and lied too, nodding. 

"Don't worry about leaving the room. I will take care of everything."

"I know. I know you'll take care of everything, Perr. And that everything will be alright," their voice cracked, about to break, "but can we stop talking right now? Can I just touch you until I...?"

Perry kissed them before they could finish. She did not want that sentence finished in their bed, that night. She had so many words to tell LaFontaine, beautiful words she had been keeping for too long. Every one of her feelings for LaFontaine, she would name them all. Not only with her voice, but with everything she had. She looked into their eyes in the darkness, cradling their face between her hands:

"Let's make the damn bed groan..." 

 

It had just dawned and Perry was holding a plate of cupcakes with both hands and nodding patiently at a young girl, standing just outside the room.

"I know this is a little... delicate, but really" the girl lowered her voice, "they were going at it like animals and it took them ages to stop." She cleared her throat, gaining some volume again. "And with midterms so close! It was impossible to concentrate on reading, or getting any sleep. They just kept..." 

"Cupcake?"

"Oh... yes, thank you."

Perry felt her body complaining as she offered the plate to the girl. Every soft bruise left behind on her arms by fingers grasping her convulsively; every bite mark on her shoulders and around her neck, and on the tender skin of her hips and her thighs; every sore muscle and articulation, from her aching jaw to her ankles, strained from sinking her feet in the mattress. Every one burned with the memory of the night before under the clothes she had carefully picked to conceal them. Over her trembling heart, quivering inside her chest, her body felt battered but loved. 

"It sounded somewhere above my head" said the girl, looking at the cupcake between her hands, "so I am sure it was on this floor. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but could you maybe find out who it was and talk to them? I'll do it myself, if you want to."

"It's alright. I'll figure out who was it and let them know they should be more considerate towards their fellow residents," said Perry with a smile. She heard a faint noise behind the door. She had to go back inside the room and check on LaFontaine. 

"You are too kind... I am surprised you didn't hear them, though. It must have been pretty close to this room."

"Oh, you know, I have to take care of the floor residents and my own midterms, so when I fall asleep there's no waking me up!"

"Right" the girl nodded. "That sounds super stressful..."

"Now, if you excuse me, I have to go back inside. Don't worry, I'll take care of it," she said. Then she smiled again, mechanically. "Whatever happened last night, it won't happen again."

She prayed silently to anyone listening for those words not to be true.

When she stepped into the room and closed the door behind her, the bed was empty and LaFontaine was clumsily trying to open the window. Perry's breath caught in her throat, panic filling her:

"Sus...! LaFontaine! Sweetheart, what are you doing? Stop!"

She all but threw the plate on the desk as she approached them. LaFontaine turned around and gave her a disorientated smile:

"Perr, where have you been?"

"I was just outside. What are you doing? The window stays closed! Do you hear me?" she tried to keep her voice soft and calm, but her heart drummed frantically in her throat, in her temples, in her ears. She chased Sarah Jane's face away from her thoughts.

"It's so stuffy in here, let's go somewhere else..."

"Let's eat first, okay? Look, I made cupcakes."

"Did you? Oh, man, I love cupcakes so much!"

"I know, that's why I made them. For you" she said taking her thick sweater off and opening the closet. 

"Then we can finally go somewhere with good music and have some fun?"

"Then we can put some music on here and think of the nice parties that are happening soon. We can't just go around the campus looking for one." Perry folded the sweater and opened the lower drawer, placing it inside, on the right side.

"But I really want to go..."

"I know, darling. I know," she said, letting her eyes dart to the left side of the drawer. It was still there. A sturdy length of white rope, neatly coiled like a sleeping snake. "But eat your cupcakes first."

When she closed the drawer and turned around, LaFontaine was moving towards her with a dazed smile and a cupcake in their hand. They pressed their body against Perry's, resting their forehead on her shoulder.

"These are so good," they murmured. Their face burned feverishly against Perry's skin.

"I can make even more."

"Will you really?"

"You are going to need a lot of energy for all that celebrating, am I right?"

LaFontaine put their arms around Perry with a happy sigh:

"You take such good care of me."

"That's right, darling," she said. "I'll take care of you. Whatever it takes."


End file.
